broken promises

Day 2 and things only keep getting worse.

Yesterday I went with my step-dad to go see his new apartment, but when I came out of my room he just broke down. After hours of crying before hand. I once again lost it. It pains me so to see someone I deeply care about break down like that. 

I eventually went to work, and luckily spent most of the evening in the back room, which was good I wasn't in the mood to deal with people.

When I came home I noticed the lights were on so I drove past the house. I didn't want to talk. I drove to the closest grocery store and sat in the parking lot. I didn't know what else to do. My step-dad said I could stay at his new place. I almost did, but I'm glad I didn't because then that would of made things even more horrible than they are.

I eventually got the courage to come home. I was on the phone with my friend, just so I could have an excuse to not be stopped by them. I went in my room and tried to distract myself. 

Eventually my mom came in and said that they had waited up for me. I proceeded to tell her I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone today. She said I had to talk to her. Somewhere in the blur of what I said I slipped out about my step-dad. She said twice to be exact "How dare you think I'd ever hurt your father" and walked out. 

I knew in that moment I needed to write to her. Because I NEVER said that I thought she hurt my father. I was angry. as in I didn't get how she could move on so quickly. 

I also knew that wording was everything it could make or break me in the morning. After having help writing the letter I found the courage to send it. And I went to sleep..

At least I tried to but I laid there thinking how my dad was all alone in that apartment sad and lonely. And my mom was sleeping in the arms of someone who was not my father. it hurt, and so I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I could just sense by her tone outside my room that today was not a good day. My step-dad came over and my mom got all mad he came over without calling. Yea well this is still his house too until his stuff is gone. he has every right to come here and get his stuff. 

They tried talking and from the sound of it. It didn't go well. Actually I knew it didn't go well because once again my dad broke down.  This was going to be a long day I could tell. My mom told my step-dad I wouldn't talk to her. I wondered if she had read the letter I sent her or not. 

It also came crashing down on me that the promise my mom made to me, about how everything was going to be different- better, my step-dad would be over all the time- wall all a lie. It was all a lie. I don't know what hurts more that I was lied to or the fact that I was actually stupid enough to believe that lie was actually going to be true.

How naive was I to think that this would actually happen? 

Maybe in her world since she found someone to move on with and is happy as a clam. But then you're left with two very broken people. 

My other siblings are taking it easier. a lot easier which I don't know how I feel about that. My step-sister, my step-dad's daughter, is at the state fair today. I don't understand when she went through a divorce we helped her move. but when her father needs her to help him... where is she? how is that fair? it's not, it's just not. 

I just feel so torn, and alone. I don't know how much more I can take.  And it's only 10 am.

Escaping reality...

Today's the big day. The day I never wanted to come. but here it is. 

Last night I got absolutely no sleep dreading what was to come. I knew he was coming in the middle of the night, so I decided to blast my music so I was unable to hear when he did. It's interesting how a song can play and all these emotions and memories come rushing back. Emotions and memories you thought you've moved on from, only realizing you haven't yet. I always go back to the same place, sophomore year of college. A lot has changed since then, mostly for the better- but it doesn't stop me from missing those days. 

I've been avoiding reality for awhile now, I've been avoiding telling people how I really feel. I just have so much anger inside of me, so much sadness. So I escape to another world, of course that means pushing the closest people in my life away. I need my space and right now I need a lot of it. And the people closest to me are the last people I want to talk about it with, well most of them anyway. 

When I was a little girl I had this dream. That my mom ran off with a guy and forgot all about me. I'll never forget it, I'll never forget how I felt. I also remember that when I was a little bit older she had to go away with this guy for a weekend, I cried and I cried. I was so angry, she was married how could she do this? How could she leave me? Of course it really was just a business trip, but for whatever reason I did not trust this man. 

I'm very territorial of those I love. And if there's anything I hate more in life it's change. I fear change. I realize sometimes change can be good, but I still don't like it. 

The past few years my parents have fought. When they would get into a huge fight my mom would always tell me she was going to leave. But she never did. I've noticed that she says a lot of things but never follows through with them. Specific things, not everything. So you would think I wouldn't believe her, but every time I was devastated. This past year has been really bad. I'll never forget Easter, and it's something I'd like to forget.  

Somewhere in between my parents got facebook. My mom reacquainted herself with old high school friends. This is where she started talking to this one guy from high school. She seemed happy, so at first that made me happy. Maybe all she needed was a friend to talk too. 

But soon she started spending all her free time talking to him. And I became jealous. Scorpio in me you could say. But then I quickly thought how I did the same thing to her when getting to know my boyfriend. karma's a bitch. 

My step dad knew and somehow he was okay with it all. I didn't get it, because I certainly wasn't. I was completely alone in the house when it was filled with people. I hated that feeling. of feeling like I was replaced. Like my dream I had as I child would be or was coming true. I hated it.

Eventually it became July and I was excited because my boyfriend was in town. That same week my mom went on a vacation, where she ended up meeting her friend. I guess it's a lot more complicated to explain- there are different sides of the stories. No matter what, I still didn't agree.  I won't go into detail, it's not my place.

The day my boyfriend was leaving I found out my parents were filing for divorce but they were still friends. I guess I knew it was coming, but I just didn't ever want to hear it. I was so incredibly sad. I mean I know times were tough in the house but like I said- I fear change.

Later I had written something on my wall to a friend on my facebook about everything- my sister-in-law saw it, which started this whole fiasco. I told my mom that Katie knew, and my mom was very understanding, she knew I was going through a hard time. But then when I got home from work, they both were so angry at me. They told me I had no right posting things for everyone to see. I became so defensive and angry. My facebook is just for my friends and family, not for the world to see. I was sorry that my sister saw. But I was not sorry for what I said- my friend was trying to be there for me. They asked me to apologize but I couldn't. 

Luckily they dropped it. And everything was fine with my step dad and I. But with my mom she acted cold towards me, I didn't get it. She continued to spend more and more time talking to her friend. It really hurt. I tried to tell her, but she never really understood. 

One time I wanted to watch a movie with her and almost the entire time she spent talking to her friend on the computer. when I - WHEN I wanted to spend time with her. I finally realized it was a lost cause. I was competing, I couldn't compete. I didn't want to. That dream I had was slowly becoming a reality. 

Only instead of her running away with him, he was moving here. Giving me absolutely no time to adjust to how things would be. I had no idea it was going to be so soon, I was excited to have some girl time with her, I hoped we could get closer- fix what was broken between us. Until I learned he was coming earlier than expected. 

Don't get me wrong from what I hear he's a nice guy and all. He's been through a lot, I get it. I just don't like having things forced upon me. I tried to tell her it's like when my dad started dating this one girl. my mom told me to take all the time I needed. But it seems when it comes to her life I'm not allowed the same respect. I've tried to tell her several times how I'm feeling. She never gets it and in the end I always feel like the guilty one because her friend's been through so much. 

I just want my mom back. I want that dream that's been haunting me to go away. Or at least be reassured. 

Her friend is here. I have yet to leave my room. I've decided to hide in my room until work.  My dad moves out tomorrow. can we say awkward? And then when he leaves I'm alone here. I'm not ready to meet him today. I've talked to him before and he sounds great, but not today. I'm not strong enough.

She keeps saying things will be better, things will be different. We will do things now that we never did before. I'll believe it when I see it, like I said she says a lot of things and I've waited for things to happen and they never do.  Mostly because things always comes up. But sometimes I wish she wouldn't say things because I hold on. hold on to hope. only to find out it's false hope. 

My step dad and my mom have both sat me down saying everything will be okay. my mom says I have no excuse to be sad. Which I don't get, no one can tell me how I can or can't feel. So when I do feel sad I feel more alone because the one person I just want to hug, the one person who always made me believe everything will be okay has told me I have no excuse to be sad. 

She feels like I'm mostly angry with her. I get my step dad treated her like crap a lot of the times, and couldn't give her what she needed and deserved. Don't get me wrong that makes me angry, I wish they could of found away to work things out, believe me they've tried. It didn't work.  I think for me it all comes back to that dream I had as a little girl. that's why I'm so angry.  I don't get how she could move on so quickly. I feel replaced. 

Don't get me wrong I love my mom, I do. And If I say any of this to her, she wouldn't understand. She would just yell at me and tell me to find somewhere else to live because she won't put up with my crap. She's changed, I miss who she was. I miss my mom. I'm happy that she's happy.  But this is also how I feel.

And so today I have to stop escaping reality and face it. I'm scared. 

It's only a matter of time...

So it's been a while, I know. 

I recently got an unexpected phone call about a potential job opportunity. Unfortunately the timing right now could not be more off. I went and had coffee and honestly it just confused this situation even more. I know at this point nothing is decided, but should anything happen and I take this potentially great opportunity career wise- then I'm stuck here.

On the other hand, there is this guy. An incredible guy that I could potentially see myself spending my life with him. I'm being completely serious here. I never thought that would happen. I mean you always remain hope that someday you will become unbelievably lucky... lucky as I have become.

I think for a lot of people it's hard to understand. Then again you can't attempt to explain to them what it's like between us. But I will tell you this, anytime someone brings him into conversation, my face just starts beaming. If that's not evidence I don't know what is. 

But then there's this potentially great job. And then there is Tylerr. Most people older than me would think I would be crazy to pass up a job offer like this (I'm not saying I am, should anything happen. I'm just keeping my options open). And then people my age understand my reasoning. It's a completely different generation, they get it. 

If you were to ask me a year ago if I were to fall for someone on the internet, I would think you were crazy. But people fall for people in stranger ways... cough cough the bachelor. 

Due to this possible job offer it has made Tylerr and I talk a lot about our future and what we plan on doing come July. Originally we both had planed not to make any decisions until he came out in July. Of course then with the unexpected phone call it kind of made us think more about everything. 

And to be honest... I don't want to be "just" his friend. I don't want to lose him. I want him in my life. And I want to build a future with him. I never thought I could be this happy.

I should also mention... my parents don't know about this potential job offer. But at the end of the day I think they want their daughter to be happy (at least I hope so, even if they don't agree with my reasoning). And honestly no one makes me more happy than he does. He's my best friend. And he's someone that I want to spend my life with.  

He's the risk I want to take. 

But we'll see what happens. everything happens for a reason, and things always have a way of working out... always

It's only a matter of time.

I'll keep you updated. :)

Hope.

If you know me at all, then you know I fail at updating in blog form. I also noticed my last post on here was not something I want to share with the world, so I deleted it.

Normally this time of the year I get extremely depressed, but honestly I've never been happier. And I have an incredibly amazing guy to thank for that. 

Ever since I was a little girl I held on to this hope that someday I would meet someone who would just complete me. Of course then I got disillusioned and decided to settle for less. Which in the end left me with guys who treated me like crap- who enjoyed throwing my heart around like it was nothing. 

But I never gave up hope, that one day.. if I was lucky enough, I would meet someone who would constantly make me smile. 

And then I did, and I have to say it happens when you least expect it. Even though I never gave up hope... I was walking on one fine wire. I almost did. I was tired of these guys throwing my heart around like as if it was some kind of game. I was tired of being lied too, of not knowing who to trust. 

And then one day I opened my eyes and saw myself falling for someone I never thought I would fall for. but I'm glad I did. I finally found someone that treats me the way I deserved to be treated... who doesn't throw my heart around... who actually cares for my heart. 

I guess the whole point is- don't waste your time on someone who's not worth wasting time on. I've been there. I wasted a whole year on someone who wasn't even worth my time, or even breath for that matter. I couldn't let go because I was afraid if I did I would be alone. But the truth is, I was more alone in that relationship than I was when I got out of it. 

And everyone deserves to be happy... to find someone that can bring out the best in you. That person is out there for you. Look closely you'll see... when you least expect it. Trust me. At least have a little faith in me. :)

Never give up hope. And never stop dreaming. 

I can't guarantee when the next time I will update this. I just wanted to leave you with something until then. 

love love - Adi