Yesterday I went with my step-dad to go see his new apartment, but when I came out of my room he just broke down. After hours of crying before hand. I once again lost it. It pains me so to see someone I deeply care about break down like that.
I eventually went to work, and luckily spent most of the evening in the back room, which was good I wasn't in the mood to deal with people.
When I came home I noticed the lights were on so I drove past the house. I didn't want to talk. I drove to the closest grocery store and sat in the parking lot. I didn't know what else to do. My step-dad said I could stay at his new place. I almost did, but I'm glad I didn't because then that would of made things even more horrible than they are.
I eventually got the courage to come home. I was on the phone with my friend, just so I could have an excuse to not be stopped by them. I went in my room and tried to distract myself.
Eventually my mom came in and said that they had waited up for me. I proceeded to tell her I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone today. She said I had to talk to her. Somewhere in the blur of what I said I slipped out about my step-dad. She said twice to be exact "How dare you think I'd ever hurt your father" and walked out.
I knew in that moment I needed to write to her. Because I NEVER said that I thought she hurt my father. I was angry. as in I didn't get how she could move on so quickly.
I also knew that wording was everything it could make or break me in the morning. After having help writing the letter I found the courage to send it. And I went to sleep..
At least I tried to but I laid there thinking how my dad was all alone in that apartment sad and lonely. And my mom was sleeping in the arms of someone who was not my father. it hurt, and so I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I could just sense by her tone outside my room that today was not a good day. My step-dad came over and my mom got all mad he came over without calling. Yea well this is still his house too until his stuff is gone. he has every right to come here and get his stuff.
They tried talking and from the sound of it. It didn't go well. Actually I knew it didn't go well because once again my dad broke down. This was going to be a long day I could tell. My mom told my step-dad I wouldn't talk to her. I wondered if she had read the letter I sent her or not.
It also came crashing down on me that the promise my mom made to me, about how everything was going to be different- better, my step-dad would be over all the time- wall all a lie. It was all a lie. I don't know what hurts more that I was lied to or the fact that I was actually stupid enough to believe that lie was actually going to be true.
How naive was I to think that this would actually happen?
Maybe in her world since she found someone to move on with and is happy as a clam. But then you're left with two very broken people.
My other siblings are taking it easier. a lot easier which I don't know how I feel about that. My step-sister, my step-dad's daughter, is at the state fair today. I don't understand when she went through a divorce we helped her move. but when her father needs her to help him... where is she? how is that fair? it's not, it's just not.
I just feel so torn, and alone. I don't know how much more I can take. And it's only 10 am.
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