Escaping reality...

Today's the big day. The day I never wanted to come. but here it is. 

Last night I got absolutely no sleep dreading what was to come. I knew he was coming in the middle of the night, so I decided to blast my music so I was unable to hear when he did. It's interesting how a song can play and all these emotions and memories come rushing back. Emotions and memories you thought you've moved on from, only realizing you haven't yet. I always go back to the same place, sophomore year of college. A lot has changed since then, mostly for the better- but it doesn't stop me from missing those days. 

I've been avoiding reality for awhile now, I've been avoiding telling people how I really feel. I just have so much anger inside of me, so much sadness. So I escape to another world, of course that means pushing the closest people in my life away. I need my space and right now I need a lot of it. And the people closest to me are the last people I want to talk about it with, well most of them anyway. 

When I was a little girl I had this dream. That my mom ran off with a guy and forgot all about me. I'll never forget it, I'll never forget how I felt. I also remember that when I was a little bit older she had to go away with this guy for a weekend, I cried and I cried. I was so angry, she was married how could she do this? How could she leave me? Of course it really was just a business trip, but for whatever reason I did not trust this man. 

I'm very territorial of those I love. And if there's anything I hate more in life it's change. I fear change. I realize sometimes change can be good, but I still don't like it. 

The past few years my parents have fought. When they would get into a huge fight my mom would always tell me she was going to leave. But she never did. I've noticed that she says a lot of things but never follows through with them. Specific things, not everything. So you would think I wouldn't believe her, but every time I was devastated. This past year has been really bad. I'll never forget Easter, and it's something I'd like to forget.  

Somewhere in between my parents got facebook. My mom reacquainted herself with old high school friends. This is where she started talking to this one guy from high school. She seemed happy, so at first that made me happy. Maybe all she needed was a friend to talk too. 

But soon she started spending all her free time talking to him. And I became jealous. Scorpio in me you could say. But then I quickly thought how I did the same thing to her when getting to know my boyfriend. karma's a bitch. 

My step dad knew and somehow he was okay with it all. I didn't get it, because I certainly wasn't. I was completely alone in the house when it was filled with people. I hated that feeling. of feeling like I was replaced. Like my dream I had as I child would be or was coming true. I hated it.

Eventually it became July and I was excited because my boyfriend was in town. That same week my mom went on a vacation, where she ended up meeting her friend. I guess it's a lot more complicated to explain- there are different sides of the stories. No matter what, I still didn't agree.  I won't go into detail, it's not my place.

The day my boyfriend was leaving I found out my parents were filing for divorce but they were still friends. I guess I knew it was coming, but I just didn't ever want to hear it. I was so incredibly sad. I mean I know times were tough in the house but like I said- I fear change.

Later I had written something on my wall to a friend on my facebook about everything- my sister-in-law saw it, which started this whole fiasco. I told my mom that Katie knew, and my mom was very understanding, she knew I was going through a hard time. But then when I got home from work, they both were so angry at me. They told me I had no right posting things for everyone to see. I became so defensive and angry. My facebook is just for my friends and family, not for the world to see. I was sorry that my sister saw. But I was not sorry for what I said- my friend was trying to be there for me. They asked me to apologize but I couldn't. 

Luckily they dropped it. And everything was fine with my step dad and I. But with my mom she acted cold towards me, I didn't get it. She continued to spend more and more time talking to her friend. It really hurt. I tried to tell her, but she never really understood. 

One time I wanted to watch a movie with her and almost the entire time she spent talking to her friend on the computer. when I - WHEN I wanted to spend time with her. I finally realized it was a lost cause. I was competing, I couldn't compete. I didn't want to. That dream I had was slowly becoming a reality. 

Only instead of her running away with him, he was moving here. Giving me absolutely no time to adjust to how things would be. I had no idea it was going to be so soon, I was excited to have some girl time with her, I hoped we could get closer- fix what was broken between us. Until I learned he was coming earlier than expected. 

Don't get me wrong from what I hear he's a nice guy and all. He's been through a lot, I get it. I just don't like having things forced upon me. I tried to tell her it's like when my dad started dating this one girl. my mom told me to take all the time I needed. But it seems when it comes to her life I'm not allowed the same respect. I've tried to tell her several times how I'm feeling. She never gets it and in the end I always feel like the guilty one because her friend's been through so much. 

I just want my mom back. I want that dream that's been haunting me to go away. Or at least be reassured. 

Her friend is here. I have yet to leave my room. I've decided to hide in my room until work.  My dad moves out tomorrow. can we say awkward? And then when he leaves I'm alone here. I'm not ready to meet him today. I've talked to him before and he sounds great, but not today. I'm not strong enough.

She keeps saying things will be better, things will be different. We will do things now that we never did before. I'll believe it when I see it, like I said she says a lot of things and I've waited for things to happen and they never do.  Mostly because things always comes up. But sometimes I wish she wouldn't say things because I hold on. hold on to hope. only to find out it's false hope. 

My step dad and my mom have both sat me down saying everything will be okay. my mom says I have no excuse to be sad. Which I don't get, no one can tell me how I can or can't feel. So when I do feel sad I feel more alone because the one person I just want to hug, the one person who always made me believe everything will be okay has told me I have no excuse to be sad. 

She feels like I'm mostly angry with her. I get my step dad treated her like crap a lot of the times, and couldn't give her what she needed and deserved. Don't get me wrong that makes me angry, I wish they could of found away to work things out, believe me they've tried. It didn't work.  I think for me it all comes back to that dream I had as a little girl. that's why I'm so angry.  I don't get how she could move on so quickly. I feel replaced. 

Don't get me wrong I love my mom, I do. And If I say any of this to her, she wouldn't understand. She would just yell at me and tell me to find somewhere else to live because she won't put up with my crap. She's changed, I miss who she was. I miss my mom. I'm happy that she's happy.  But this is also how I feel.

And so today I have to stop escaping reality and face it. I'm scared.